Summary of Mishaps (a.k.a. The Friday Funnies)

Why, In Retrospect, the E-4 Would Have Preferred to Have Had His Car Towed

1. Welcome to the latest edition of the Friday Funnies, another quartet of episodes in which someone qualifies for membership in Densa, which is our version of Mensa, except that Mensa is for people who are in the top two percent of the population in intelligence, and Densa members appear to be, well, you get the picture.
 
A. The good news was that the E-4 from a carrier found a parking space. The bad news was that it wasn’t legal. He parked anyway.
   The good news was that a neighbor told him that his car was in danger of being towed unless he moved it. The bad news was that while he was moving it, the cops pulled him over.
   The good news was that they only wanted to tell him about a burned-out headlight. The bad news was that he did something that made them break out the breathalyzer. More bad news: He flunked, so they arrested him and gave him a ride to the clink, where he spent the night.
   Bet he’d rather have had his car towed.

B. One dark night in Norfolk, an hour before midnight, an AC1 and an AC2 started playing poker. Two and a half hours later, the junior guy asked to borrow the first class’s motorcycle so he could zip over to a nearby convenience store for some cigarettes. The AC1 knew that the AC2 didn’t have a motorcycle license and hadn’t taken a course, but for some unfathomable reason, decided to hand him the key. Perhaps the AC2 was the big loser so far in poker and the AC1 wanted to keep playing. The AC1 offered his buddy a helmet, which his buddy (hold on to your seats, this is a shocker) declined.
   Let’s pick up the mishap report at this point: “The driver repeatedly drove the motorcycle up and down adjacent street at approximately 25 mph to 35 mph.” Not sure why, maybe he wanted to show that he could ride. If so, he quickly proved that he couldn’t, thanks to hitting a couple low spots on either side of an intersection, ricocheting off a parked car, glancing off an oncoming car, and finally came to rest against another parked car.
   The helmet, which was carefully slung on the side of the bike, did a great job of protecting the left passenger foot peg. “The driver stated that he forgot to put it on,” the report said.
   Multiple injuries for the AC2, who missed 13 days of work and spent a month on LIMPDU. $2300 in damage to the motorcycle.
   Here’s the deal: Let’s say your buddy asks to borrow your motorcycle. And let’s say you feel like letting him. Who knows, maybe you’re a nice guy, or you owe him a favor, or you hate saying no, whatever. Just rephrase the request, from “Do you mind if I borrow your bike?” To “Do you mind if I wreck your bike?” See how that question sits.

C. Outwitted by an inanimate object this week is an STS1 in Connecticut who was helping a buddy work on his car. They had it up on jacks and had finished whatever mechanical task was on the agenda. When they tried to lower it back to earth, the jack handle stuck.
   Possible solutions to this quandary: One, a hammer, and two, brute force.
   OK, Gene, look alive. I need a metal-to-metal impact, then a medium whir (that’s the jack handle spinning), and then a metal-to-flesh-and-bone impact (that’s the jack handle smacking the Sailor upside the head).
   For the car, four wheels back on the ground. For the Sailor, three days of light duty with a broken cheek bone.

D. Meanwhile, over in the ship’s gym, an off-duty Seabee was sparring. I’m sure this is a duly authorized fitness activity and excellent exercise, to boot. However, in this case, and in spite of his boxing helmet, this BU2’s sparring partner punched him in the nose. It broke.
   Imagine that.

2. That’s all for this week, friends and neighbors. See you next time with a few more episodes in the ongoing saga of best-laid plans and poorly laid plans and no plans at all.

Summary of Mishaps for June and July 2008

• July #1: Inadvertent Adrenalin Rush of the Month, (or) Hey, That Guy’s Shooting at Us
• June #4: It’s No Longer Just the College of Hard Knocks, It’s a Regular University
• June #3: How To Tell You’ve Had Enough to Drink
• June #2: Ka-Pow! The Lead Is Flying at the Not-O.K. Corral

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