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Culpeppers

Lawn-Centric Debacles

In an effort to forestall the initial Culpepper of the season, we prepared two lawn-centric debacles from last summer. An AO2 was cutting his grass when a branch got stuck in the discharge chute. Having neglected the reasonable advice that you pick up sticks, rocks, toys, cans and other non-grass whatnot before you start mowing, he also ignored the reasonable advice that you kill the engine before reaching into the discharge chute (a pair of heavy gloves wouldn't have hurt either). He got the branch, but he also got a half-inch gash in his right index finger. The second mishap was more serious. An IT1 was mowing on a down slope by a ditch, slipped, and shoved his foot under the machine and into the blade, which as we have often observed, doesn't know how to distinguish between flesh and fescue. The next time he plays "This Little Piggy," there isn't going to be one to cry "Wee, wee, wee" all the way home. He spent five days in the hospital and three months either off work or on LIMPDU.

Alas, the first Culpepper arrived before we could go to print with our well-intentioned heads-up. In Hawaii, an ET1 was mowing a downward slope in his lawn. He slipped and shoved his left foot under the mower (Gene, cue up that carrot-in-the-blender sound effect). The blade tore off his sneaker and inflicted what the report called "a 6-inch laceration" in his big toe (which it broke) and his foot. An ambulance ride and two hospital visits later, surgeons were poking around in the gash, removing bits of grass and leaves, and resetting the bone with wires. He got a month to convalesce for starters.

Got a mower? Got a slope? Get some boots. [July 2006]

Why to Not Yank a Mower Backward Out of a Hole

And before we bid farewell to summer here in the Navy's capitol, one final Culpepper. As many of you know, we created this dubious distinction in honor of a former Safety Center employee who allowed his mower to mistake his foot for fescue. The latest iteration involved an airman who was mowing his lawn at base housing in California. When the mower got stuck in a hole and he jerked the mower backward, right onto his left foot, where it mowed through his shoe and lopped off his big toe. Doctors were unable to reattach it (mowers quickly and efficiently chop through things, but they don't do it very neatly). Nineteen lost workdays.

Lots of things can go kerflooey with the machine whilst you're mowing. A stick can lodge in the blade. Wet grass can clog the chute. It can slip, slide, or get stuck. And in every case, you have to do only one thing: kill the engine. Yeah, you're in a hurry and yanking the starter rope on a balky old mower is a pain, but other things are more of a pain, not to mention a permanent problem of doing "this little piggy went to market" and having to stop at nine. [September 2004]

A Bad Summer for Little Piggies

And the Culpeppers continue. It hasn’t been a good summer for the little piggies. This time, a jaygee pushed his mower between a tree and some bushes while mowing his lawn. When he pulled the mower back, he slipped and instead of releasing the handle (which would have killed the engine), he held onto it to try to regain his balance. His right foot slipped under the back of the mower. The blade sliced right through his running shoe and lopped off three toes. His son called 9-1-1, and his wife applied pressure to the wound and packed his foot and severed toes in ice. Doctors couldn’t reattach the toes because the wound was too jagged. Mega-ouch! [September2003]

Falling in the Fire Pit Would've Been Bad Enough

A senior chief mowing his lawn in Washington unwillingly provided the latest Culpepper in our grisly compendium. He was pulling his lawn mower back toward him (a major no-no, by the way) and tripped over the rocks around a fire pit. His body and the mower both kept going backward, which wouldn't have been too bad if his right foot had also moved back, but it didn't--it moved up under the mower's ever-voracious blades, which made short work of the tip of the sneaker, sliced off part of his big toe, and broke the rest of it. Five days in the hospital to weigh the relative merits of sturdy boots or steel-toed shoes.

Here's a cram course in things you don't want to do while hanging onto a powerful machine that is equipped with long, sharp, high-speed blades made for cutting stuff. You don't want to slip on wet grass, lose your balance while mowing up or down slopes, or trip over landscape timbers. You also don't want to use this machine to propel, at high speed, rocks into windows or sticks into the eyes of your kids (see "Zoinks! Fred Goes to Pieces" in our photo of the week archive at http://safetycenter.navy.mil/photo/archive/photo83.htm). (July 2003)

The Gee-I-Should've-Worn-Boots Spotlight 

Veteran readers of this sanguinary silliness will recognize, when I mention the magic word "Culpepper," that one more little piggy will never again go to the market or have roast beef.

In the gee-I-should've-worn-boots spotlight this week is an AE3 who was dutifully wreaking havoc on the fescue and crabgrass in his backyard. He came to a downhill slope, and right away the terrain, the mower and the entire job quickly went downhill because the mower got stuck on a clump of grass. He tried to plant his left foot on the back of the mower but slipped, which made him shove the mower forward, which in turn lifted the back of the mower, where the still-spinning blade awaited its victims: in this case, his big toe and part of another. Three days between the starched white sheets in a local hospital, and three weeks of hobbling around convalescing and shopping for a mower equipped with a kill switch. (June 2003)

A Helluva Way to Welcome Spring

Spring wasn't twenty-four hours old before a Marine, pulling his lawnmower while walking backward, tripped over the edge of his patio and became the first person this year to stuff his foot into the whirling blades of his lawn boy. ("You're number one! You're number one!") (March 2000)

Push, Don't Pull, and I Mean It

Had a Marine puree' four of his toes. Seems he was walking backwards, dragging his mower as he went. When the handle fell off, the gunny stopped, the mower didn't--until after it ran over his lightly shod foot and homogenized his toes. First one this season. Who'll be number two? Show of hands... anyone? (May 1998)

Ditto, Once Again

Two guys, one a chief and the other a sergeant, lost both their "little piggy who went to market" and their "little piggy who stayed home" this week after they ran over their own feet while backing up with a lawn mower. The sergeant stepped backwards into a hole and the chief stepped backwards onto a rake. Both of them jammed their feet into that Briggs and Stratton cuisinart and it pureed their toes for them before they could let go of the kill-switch on the handle. Think your reactions are faster than that? Think you don't have to wear safety shoes? I'll bet you're wrong. But you don't have to take my word for it, go ask the chief and the sarge. They're the two guys over there ... Sitting out all the line dances. (August 1997)

Modifying Body Parts with a Mower

Back here on the East Coast, when you wake up in the morning, look out your window, wub your sweepy widdle eyes and serveil a panorama reminiscent of the opening scene from "Fargo," it's easy to forget that, for some people, it's still summer.

And, if it's still summer somewhere, it's a sure bet someone's out there scheming feverishly to modify their body parts with a lawn mower.

Like this Marine who noticed one of the wheels on his grass flogger was wobbling. So, being a Marine--therefore bullet- proof and not subject to the burdensome laws of physics--he decided there was no reason for him to shut off his mower before he tightened up that wheel. In fact, as if to prove his point, he duct-taped the safety shut-off switch on the handle to the "run-like-a-scalded-dog" position before he commenced to fumble under the mower.

Didn't take long.

Diiiinnnnnggggg!

Shortenened his middle digit by about an inch. (December 1996)

Should Have Taken the Free Boondockers

There's a Marine who must have thought I was kidding last summer when I offered to buy a new pair of boondockers for anyone who destroyed theirs whilst mowing the lawn. Should'a listened, shipmate. If you had, you wouldn't be missing that large chunk out of your great toe today. Of course, now that I think about it, I reckon anyone who tries to kick the wet grass out from under an operating lawn mower--then misses--and ends up with his foot jammed down the exhaust chute is bound to do some damage to their little piggies regardless of their footwear, n'cest pas? (October 1996)

An Even Worse Rut to Get Stuck In

Lawn mowers maimed one sailor and one Marine this week. The sailor lost his big toe and his career when his mower got stuck in a rut in his back yard and he tried to kick it free with an unshod foot. The Marine was trying to reinstall the grass catcher on his mower after it came loose and let his hand slip into the whirling blade.

I'm considering inserting two new questions into the 72-hour profile sheet we do on all accident victims:

(1). Do you read the Friday Funnies?

(2). Do you think we make this stuff up? (August 1996)

The Boondocker Offer

The first full-Culpepper of the season, and it's real ugly. A second class was cutting the grass in his Birkenstock's when he slipped on an incline and stuck his unprotected foot into the spinning mower blade. Cut off his big toe and the one next to it. The rest of his foot is so badly mangled the docs think they may have to amputate some more of it. What an absolutely senseless, preventable, tragedy.

Tell you what I'll do. For every one of you who ding your flight boots or ruin your steel-toed boondockers by accidentally sticking them under a running lawn mower, I'll buy you a new pair. And, if anybody gives you a hard time about wearing an item of uniform apparel whilst cutting the grass, you tell 'em the commander of the Naval Safety Center said it was OK and cite this message as your authority. No more excuses. (May 1996)

Introducing the Half-Culpepper Variation

In the wrestling game, you have your full-Nelson and you have your half-Nelson. In the lawn-care biz you have your full-Culpepper and now, you have your half-Culpepper. As Friday Funnies' fans are fully aware, the familiar full-Culpepper occurs when one manages to insert an otherwise perfectly good toe into the whirling blades of a lawn mower with unvaryingly bad results. ("This is your toe...")

The new, rarer, half-Culpepper designation will henceforth be bestowed every time someone manages to inflict major metacarpal damage to his and/or her toe subsequent to an adverse inter-action between one's lawn implement and one's toe without either (1) losing one's toe or (2) starting one's mower.

Such as the barefoot contessa in our nations's capitol who managed to break her great toe (ahhh yessss) whilst extracting her lawn mower from winter stowage couple'a weeks ago. Dropped it right on her little piggy, she did ... Yessss. The one that went to market ... Indeeeed. (May 1996)

Please, Try This at Home

This word from our sponsor ...

Black screen.

Fade-in: blender, lit by single spotlight from above.

Announcer (gently): "This is your toe."

Biz: Sparerib, held vertically by thumb and forefinger, is introduced into the frame from stage right.

Biz: Two fingers carry sparerib to blender. Second hand opens the lid and presses the "puree'" button. Two fingers drop rib into blender.

Announcer (shouting over the grinding noise): ". and this is your toe under your lawn mower!"

Biz: Blood and bone chips speckle the camera lens.

Biz: Second hand switches blender off.

Announcer (gently, as the chewed-up sparerib wobbles to a stop): "Any questions?"

Fade to black. (April 1996)

Double Whammy: Backward and Downhill

Oh me of little faith. I was worried we were going to go the whole summer without somebody pulling a Culpepper. But this AMS3, who was dragging his lawn mower backwards down a hill saved the day. Because, when his mower got stuck on a clump of grass, he did what all Culpepperites do--he jerked on it to free it, lost his balance, and stuck his sneaker-clad tootsie into the whirling blade. Then the mower did its thang, slicing through his Keds and into his great toe, chipping a bone in the process. He swears that from now on, he'll wear steel-toed safety shoes to mow his lawn, but that's what you bubbas always say--afterwards. (June 1995)

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